ANGRY

The sad thing is that, growing up, I was never an angry person. I didn't give fucks to many things.

But this, anyone would have given fucks. Several, subject to individual characteristics.

The thought of coming home to dinner was so repulsive! I can't concentrate on studying when his face, his finger, kept popping up in my mind. Fuck that stupid shit, I'm going to leave this.

P.S. the Army pays really well. A degree with good honours and above can fetch about $4.5K fresh, and I'm not even mentioning the other ranks that are higher up in the hierarchy structure. On the other hand, a Police Officer seems really good too. The pay is undisclosed for degree holders in the police force, but judging by their salary for dip holders(compared to MINDEF as a benchmark), it seems good too.

I think anything above $1600 take home would be comfortable for me to sustain my lifestyle(or lack thereof). I need broadband for sure($40), a mobile plan($40- thank god it's not in the thousands, huh? :P), some instant noodles/showering stuffs/skincare($60), a room($600~maybe I can get a deal at a friend's house?), and I can keep the others. For savings and 'rainy days', like if I have to change a laptop or my mobile.

I'm not angry anymore now that I'm not facing them. Later I might become angry again. Each time I see them, a sense of revolt and anger comes up.

30th January 2012

I must not forget what happened last night. I must not forget how they stood by and did nothing, those brainless, stupid wastrels. I was scared he was going to hit me... But I knew what I would be able to do if he did. I think the right way to put it was that I was waiting for it. I was going to dodge, block, whatever, but I really thought it was coming. The way he threatened me, you would think it was coming. Alas, he didn't proceed. Probably because he too knew what would happen to him.

Don't you feel that sometimes, we are such slaves to material possessions that we let it rule over our lives?

The computer, the Internet, TV, skincare, clothes, little conveniences here and there(like your mum doing housework for you).

I feel so repulsed. Half of these things I don't even need. And he was using those to threaten me. Me! The one who doesn't buy clothes, or shoes, or even go out with friends, who paid for her laptop by herself(yes, I'm proud- hit sue me), who also paid for her mobile by herself(I will be able to live with the cracked screen, trust me), and so much more.

He challenged me to stay with my grandparents. I couldn't show him yesterday, but I was seriously considering. Tiong Bahru is indeed nearer to Lorong Chuan, and if I stay with them I won't get all this emotional bullshit from my father too. And I'm having A Levels this year. Anyone remember, that, grand, huge exam you're supposed to take for university admission? I already have stresses from school- and I don't want to have that much from the residence as well(especially when it's not my fault) Yes, it isn't. Hit sue me!

If I have to wash my own stuff, iron my own clothes, or do everything for myself to have a general peace of mind, I will. I will give so much.

I won't get married. I won't have kids. So what if I'll die early? It would fit right in my plan anyway, much better than if I were to grow old and have no one looking after me.

I just want to be free, you know? Away from conflicts and entanglements. I hate conflict so so much.

I'm scared someday he might come and kill me. My mom would say he still loves me, but oooooohhhh, realllyyyy? I know I don't want to have much with him.

So many times I let things pass and made up, and made up, and made up, and have him turn all fucking crazy on me some times later. I'm so tired, I'm not going to play along with him anymore. If he can threaten to hit me, and then claims he loves him, I can kill him and then announce my love for him. Which I am not going to do of course, because that's so stupid and unclassy. Him, now that's different. If he wasn't repulsive, he wouldn't have gotten into as many traffic accidents, all of which were his fault. I thought he would stop being violent, and that it(so many occasions of 'it', I've lost count) would be his last time, but no. It just happens and happens and happens again and again.

And repulsive people do tend to commit murder, don't they?

Studying

I like the stuff I'm studying, but that doesn't mean I like to study.

Still, whenever I think of the South Africans who queue for days, or scramble through a stampede just to secure university places, how can I bear to give up?

These people literally are dying to get into university. I have that opportunity. I should damn well make use of it.

Isn't it sad when the person you are close(st) to actually isn't the person you trust the most.

Think too much. Think too much.

Sometimes I feel alone... Like I'm by myself. Lonely.... Perhaps not so much for now. I'll rather be alone and not constantly worrying because of my friends.

I'm so sick..

NOTE: Not exactly a happy post. There are vulgarities. Don't read if you have opinions about people who curse and swear.

Of fucking stupid guys who fucking-stupidly ignore your questions and whatever because they think it makes them seem cooler.

Well, tada! You're right. Those guys are cooler indeed.

But if you don't already have it in you, don't fucking bother.

If you're going to treat me differently when your other guy friends are around, you need to rethink your actions.

I blame single-sex education for this, really. They ought to ban every single whatever-sex only school in the entire wide world.

By the way, I'm quite literally sick too. Having flu, and I feel sort of guilty for contaminating the school computer like this.  


edit: alright alright, I was being quite the bitch earlier == I know some guys might be shy, or they might be a little insecure. 


Then again, I still don't agree with single-sex schools.

And you wonder why I am afraid of getting into a relationship...

Taiwanese suspect of Tokyo murder takes own life
Overstayer jailed 12 years for killing lover

I'm sure the victim from the second article was being a bitch, and a real bitch at that, but bitches don't get death sentences(or sexual assault, for the matter).

I'm really scared of pain and being hurt physically. It makes me sound like a wimp, but there's no other way to go about it. I'm scared of guys who are physically very intimidating. You know, those almost-190cm buff(or not) guys you sometimes see in the MRT. I don't want to be anywhere near them. Good thing I'm 165cm and not... 154.

Guys are much stronger than us, but sometimes they don't use it for good stuff. I know cases of these are really rare, but I'm not going to go out there and experiment around, thank you.

But, extreme-tallies and/or buffies, don't be sad. Many other girls like that because they feel more protected. Well... okaaaaayyyyy I don't know how their minds work too, but that's just how they think.

Man I'm getting scared just talking about this. Urgh.

Sometimes I want to find someone to be with too, but I'm afraid of pain.

I know it's supposed to sound a little funny and all that, but that's the truth. Some guys are downright crazy and violent and all those... I'm quite scared.

Meanwhile, I am very content to just check the cute ones out.